Exploring the "F" words #1 - Forgiveness

This article is the first of a trilogy where we will probe some of the myths and misinformation about three words that are very important when using The Grief Recovery Method. The words are FORGIVENESS, FEAR, and FAMILIARITY. FORGIVENESS is the subject of this article.

It is almost a pleasure to write about forgiveness rather than talking about it. There is no subject that provokes more argument, more rigidity, or more pain than the idea of forgiveness. In fact, if forgiveness were not such an important stepping stone to successful grief recovery, we would not bring it up at all.

Am I paranoid or are people avoiding me?

Even though grievers seem to be walking though quicksand, they usually have a heightened awareness of what is going on around them. In particular, they are very aware of being judged, evaluated, or criticized. In earlier articles we talked about the killer clichés that are not helpful to grievers. Unhelpful comments almost always encourage the griever to feel some way other than the way they feel.

For example: "Don't feel sad, you should feel grateful that you had him/her for so long!"

Reaction to Loss: If I start crying will I be able to stop?

There are many misconceptions about the pain associated with significant emotional loss. Some relate to the relationship of others, for example: "It's not fair to burden them with my pain," or "You have to be strong for others" [mom, dad, kids, etc.]. Some relate to how we think we should be reacting to the loss, for example: "I should be over it by now," or "I have to keep busy."

Unresolved Grief: The end of difficult relationships with less than loved ones

In "Killer Clichés" about loss we talked about grieving and completing our relationships with loved ones who have died. While the death of a loved one is painful, we are often complete with loved ones. That is to say that we have communicated our feelings about them, to them.