Did you know that most of what people say to comfort someone who has lost a parent isn’t helpful? 

If someone in your life has lost a parent, you probably want to be there for them. But too often, well-meaning people rely on phrases they’ve heard before without realizing those words aren't as comforting as hoped. 

We live in a culture that tries to comfort grief with logic. The problem is that grief isn’t logical. It’s emotional. You can't heal a broken heart with reason alone. Instead of trying to explain away someone’s pain, the best thing you can do is acknowledge it and offer support without judgment. Here are some things not to say, along with what to do instead, when supporting someone who has lost a parent: 

"I know how you feel." 

Even if you’ve lost a parent yourself, you don’t know exactly how they feel. Every relationship is different, and their experience is unique. Instead, try saying, "I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I’m here if you want to talk." 

"At least they lived a long life." 

Just because someone lived a long life doesn’t make losing them any less painful. Whether they were 75 or 95, they were still someone’s mom or dad. Instead of putting the loss into perspective, say, "I’m so sorry for your loss." 

"They're in a better place." 

Even if someone knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that their loved one is in heaven, they still are left to live with the loss. Instead, acknowledge their pain by saying, "I know you must miss them so much." 

"Don’t feel bad. Be grateful for the time you had together." 

They can be grateful for the time they had and still be heartbroken. Telling them not to feel bad minimizes their pain. Instead, say, "It’s okay to feel however you feel. I’m here for you." 

"Everything happens for a reason." 

Even if someone believes this, it doesn’t change the fact that they’re hurting. Instead, focus on supporting them now: "This is so hard. I’m here to help however I can." 

"Time heals all wounds." 

Time alone doesn’t heal grief. It’s what someone does with that time that matters. Instead of implying they need to wait it out, offer ongoing support: "I know grief doesn’t have a timeline. I’ll be here for you no matter what." 

"Be strong for your family." 

People shouldn’t have to suppress their feelings to protect others from feeling uncomfortable. Instead, reassure them: "You don’t always have to be strong. It’s okay to let yourself grieve." 

Comparing losses. 

Saying things like, "I lost my dad too, so I know exactly what you’re going through," can feel dismissive. No two losses are the same. Instead, invite them to share: "I lost my dad too, and it was tough. If you ever want to talk, I’m here to listen." 

What Helps? 

Instead of fixing their grief with words, focus on showing up. Here are some meaningful ways to support someone who has lost a parent: 

• Listen without trying to give advice. Let them talk or sit with them in silence if that’s what they need.
• Offer practical help. Grief can make even small tasks overwhelming. Bring a meal, run an errand, or just check-in. 
• Keep showing up. Grief doesn’t disappear after the funeral. Continue reaching out in the weeks and months ahead.
• Let them know about the Grief Recovery Method FREE online course. The best thing you can do is let them know they’re not alone. 

Even when there are no perfect words, your presence matters more than anything you could say.