sounds like me

Hi, I am from a DeathCare Service company from the Philippines and I would like to seek your permission if we can repost this article (w/ a link to the original article) on our company website under the Grief Resources section. We will of course give proper credit and mention to the author as well as this website as our source. Thank you and looking forward to your favorable reply.

Because of surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from my mouth, I can no longer speak, so a telephone call to or from me is not possible. E-mail is my best method of communicating.

I am 71 years old and lost the love of my life last September after 20 years of being together. I visit the site where her remains were taken at east once per week. I cannot not go there, and I cannot go there without crying.

Fortunately, I am able to independently see my doctors and run my own errands. My family is out of state, but I couldn't talk to them about my loss more if they were here. My sons respond to my e-mails with sympathy but are too remote for a hug. My siblings responded once but really didn't get to know my lady enough to care about her passing.

I don't know that I am unable to deal with her passing as much as I am not dealing with the being alone. Not being able to speak makes it all but impossible for me to reach out to others or to start a new relationship.

I am a strong believer in the resurrection of Christ, so turning to prayer is easy for me (although I don't claim to be good at it), but I seek some understanding of why I continue to cry every time I think of her after nine months.

I have a history of outliving those I love but have never had a loss bother me as much as this one.

Hi Bob,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like an extremely difficult time for you and your circumstances make it even more difficult. Our e-mail address is [email protected] if you would like to e-mail us and communicate that way. I hope to hear from you soon.

Brittany

Hi Rona,

Yes, and thank you for sharing what we do with your followers.

I just wanted to say how moved I was by your email, Bob. There is nothing I can do. I have had grief many times over in my life but that doesn't mean I know what your grief feels like. I don't know if I should say this or not but perhaps letting yourself feel will help and by that I mean don't avoid crying. You love her you shared your life with her for very long time. You feel very sad now. Tears seem very appropriate right now. I do so hope you find relief.

I am looking into having a seven-week course. I am in England. The weekend one terrifies me.

I am using the speech to type program because of health issues that I have.

I have never not been in grief. I was born into a family that did not want me. By the time I was a toddler I was already experiencing rejection and violence which just went on and on and on until it also happened in high school so I left when I was 15 which was legal in the country I was in. I was an army brat so I moved constantly and lost friends and lost pets and soon learned not to get emotionally involved but it never seemed to stop the grief whenever I left. I've never had relationships that have not ended badly. Apart from that I have with my husband of 34 years. (Yes we are both men). The grief started again back in May last year when I had to give up my lifelong dream because of a progressive disease that I have that I believed I could beat but it beat me. I also lost three long-term friends. To because of my disease "they already had too much negativity in their life" and this after 16 years of listening to their woes giving them coffee and hugs when they cried. The minute I couldn't do that for them that was the end of them. I also had to end a friendship myself. Actually I ended the previous two relationships as well but this relationship is the one hurts the most. She was there for me when in 94 I started having severe flashbacks which I didn't know what they were and I was just given medication. I did not take the medication and I was absolutely terrified and I cried and all full lot and this woman held me, stroked my head when my head was on her lap, and was extremely kind to me over a period of months. We became fast friends. However over the last couple years I have found it increasingly difficult to ignore her ever obvious and vile racism. about a month ago it could be more because I lose tracks of time she was telling me about her grandson and about all his friends being girls and how he only played with girls toys. And then she said: I just wish he was more boy I don't want him to grow up gay. It was like a knife had just been stuck in my solar plexus but she made it worse by saying you have been very lucky John is a wonderful kind man but most gays are not like that and most goes live miserable lives and are alone. For me that ended our friendship. I could no longer have the relationship with her and keep my dignity. she was not only homophobic but of vile racist as well. however we have spoken once or twice a week for 25 years and now we don't. I do not want her back in my life but I miss her dreadfully. As an army brat I moved constantly form country to country continent to continent house-to-house. When we bought this house I was 40 years old and it was my 34th home and I was determined it would be my last. We came into a lot of money and we had a choice to make move house or use the money to make this house more what we wanted by adding a whole extra room to the back a huge room to 23' x 13 which we use for listening to music and watching TV. We also got an electric double bed to enable me to get out of bed and it can even put me in the standing position and a chair to take me up and down the stairs.

The point I'm trying to make is that as a child I was always so alone and in fact I still feel so alone despite having such a lovely husband who couldn't be better he anticipates my needs he does things for me that I would not even have thought of doing. But when I left schools, and friends, and pets, I didn't cry because I knew I wasn't allowed to and I would get hit if I did or call the sissy which my father often did. I am crying now as I write this god I didn't realise it was so bad by 17 I was in a locked ward and I spent nearly 2 years in a psych hospital because in those days the 70s no one believed in child abuse and particularly not from a nice middle-class couple. Fortunately I got out because a new psychiatrist took over my ward and after she had seen me recommended I was released immediately and she laughingly said to me your family ought to be in here.

I was also sexually and physically abused by a teacher at school and by one of the man who ran the summer camps that I was always grudgingly sent to. at that time I lived in the outback of Australia. There is an awful lot more to my story but I guess that's not what this blog is for. your book should arrive tomorrow and I will read it and I will make my husband read it I have already made contact with somebody who has agreed to see me at my own house because of my disabilities it would make it difficult to go to her house although I never said that but she figured it out for herself and but it's not a done deal she knows we have to decide and nothing we are going winged to be frightened of is getting involved in a cult because that is happened several times before we think we have found the right help from me only to discover we have found just a bunch of loonies in occult. by do have spiritual beliefs but I am not a Christian and I have no religion whatsoever. I have no desire to push my beliefs onto anyone and I never speak about them unless somebody asks me out right. O

Bob- I too have severe speech issues that developed from a rare neurological condition that doesn't affect my intelligence. It's added grief to experience difficulties communicating. I so feel for you.

My 25 year old son died two years ago and I am stuck in time. I am 60 years old existing counting the days when I am reunited with him. I found my child in his room so PTSD from that and the hospital is overwhelming for me. I have never missed a day at the cemetery and I never will. I am depressed and often don't want to do anything. I am not getting better. I don't know what to do and I yearn for my son.

Stefany, we are so very sorry for your loss and cannot imagine what you have been going through. Our recommendation is that you check out The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman. Many local libraries carry copies of it. You can also search for a Grief Recovery Specialist that we have trained, in your area, here: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support-groups. The Grief Recovery Specialist can walk you through the steps outlined in the book. We hope that you will obtain the book, take the steps outlined in it, and begin to feel better. Please call us at 800-334-7606 if you ever have any questions.

I'm afraid there's really no answer to this situation. My husband of 47 years is slowly fading away. He has Lewy Body Dementia possibly other dementias. He is 73 and I'm 66. We had 39 good years, but then his symptoms began. It's been progressing for 8 years. During most of those years I started noticingseeing changes in him. His neurologist treated the sleep disorder. I would mention changes I was seeing and all would say is -- well I don't see it. Then she'd suggest marriage counseling. 1 1/2 years ago his illness became very apparent. He no longer was the man I married. I'm not sure when I realized that. I'll skip the details but caring for him was too much for me, even with a lot of hired health care workers. I made the decision he had to be placed in memory care. It was a horrible decision to make. His dr agreed. I'm living alone now,with our dog and cat. Depending on his behavior problems, I try to visit daily. 2 1/2 hours is all I can do. I'm grieving the loss of my partner and the life we shared, yet he's not dead. It's like a living death. There is no closure for or family. People don't understand my grief because he's still living. How do I do this?
Susan

Thanks for writing... and yes, you are certainly experiencing a loss - a significant and wearying one. I would suggest you give the Grief Recovery Method a try - this program is often used to help sort through the feelings we have about our relationships with living persons, as well as those who have died. Not only are you losing the relationship you've had with your husband, but also the hopes, dreams and expectations of what the rest of your life together might have been. There are undoubtedly many undelivered things you need to say to your husband. Find a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist (CGRS) in your community and attend either a group or do the work one on one with that CGRS. They will help you identify, name and give voice to the things your heart is longing to say - but is afraid of saying and being judged or criticized for saying. These might be things like... "I forgive you for getting this awful disease." or "I apologize for not being able to care for you at home any longer." or "I loved the life we built together over the years..." and more. The CGRS will show you tools to help you discover what your heart needs to say and will give you a safe and confidential and nonjudgemental way and place to say them.

You might also have some undelivered communications with the physician... from the things you mention in your note. So after you have done the GRM process for your relationship with your husband, the CGRS can also help you do that for the doctor too... Whether that physician will remain a part of your husband's care team or not - it sounds like you have some feelings about the care he received or the way you were not heard during the diagnostic process. Identifying, naming and giving voice to those communications can also give you some relief as well.

And finally, since your husband is still living - and even if/when he dies - you will continue to be able to identify communications that need to be delivered - sort of like PS's to a letter. Once you've finished the initial GRM work, you will likely continue to identify more things you need to say - and again, the CGRS can be there for you to help give voice to those as well...

Contact the GRI office to help find someone in your area that you can work with - the process can work wonders and we hope you find a way to do this - for your husband, for your family, but most of all for yourself.

I've lost my children's father to a car accident 5 years ago. You would think I'd be over it, I'm definitely far from that and I hate it. This tragedy has changed me as a person and not for the better. Its STILL consuming every part of my life DAILY. I've been put on several different medicines from psychiatrist, which all have failed to work. I get so damn depressed, sometimes I break down in the privacy of my bathroom. How can I beat this? Because as of right now, its whooping my ass.

Hi Bob my name is Gabriel I'm 16 years old and I live in West virginia man I can't imagine what it going through right now and I'm sorry about your partner I can't in any way fully understand your situation or how it feels 2 lose your partner but I can understand loss my dad passed away 3 weeks ago this past Friday and I still cannot fully comprehend its more pain and hurt than I have gone through in my whole life and am still going through my football team had a playoff game this Saturday and I didn't go because I couldn't even muster enough strength 2 get out of bed but just as you do I believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins and bore all our pain that we deserve for all things that we will ever do that is something that my dad instilled into me so I can't in his honor not respond to you and not tell that if you EVER need anyone to talk 2 pleez email me I promise u I will respond back I don't want anyone on this earth forgotten live you man have a blessed day

My husband died 6.5 years ago i was 36 .. I was strong for my kids and did what I had to do
I. Dream about him a lot ,I think about him a lot and cry because I still miss him . My two. Kids keep me busy but I m having trouble with my son; 17 who may be also grieving his dad and I think he is in a lot of pain . I can't Help him he won't talk to me , my boyfriend threatens to leave me because of all the stress my son has been putting on our relationship and I feel myself going into deeper depressions
I don't know if I can. Handle the outcome sadly
It honestly
I am scared for my future and pray we can make it through this year

Hi Bob, I totally understand where you're coming from. This past February I lost my significant other. We were together for 24 years and I never knew love until I met him. He was the one person who really "got" me. We did everything together. He taught me how to golf, fish, kayak and even more important he taught me how to laugh at myself. I can honestly say I haven't laughed since february. I don't have any children and my family lives out of state. We only had each other and now I'm living in the constant state of pain and sorrow. I very seldom leave my house unless I have to and never for very long. I don't sleep well and I don't think a day passes without breaking down totally. And right before he passed away, my mom died. I feel like I've lost everyone that loved me. I spend more time thinking about death than I do thinking about life.

Grief is the most difficult journey I've ever been on. I am a Christian so I beleive I will see them both again some day. I never got to say goodbye. One day he left for work and never returned. I'm sure you can relate. I do want you to know that when you say you do pray but you're not very good at it that God sees and hears the heart. Words aren't necessarily. He already knows how you feel, what you need and He sees every tear that falls. I know this is true...for if it wasnt, I wouldn't be here! I know God has a purpose for me and He has a purpose for you as well...or else we wouldn't be here. It's easy to doubt when we grieve because it's so painful...but if we didn't know pain how would we ever know joy? I try to be grateful that in this life God blessed me to know such a love as this. Many go through their entire life times and never experience it..ever! As I said..I try to be grateful to God for this love He blessed me with..I don't always succeed.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray God will uphold you in the palm of His mighty hand and hold you close to His heart. I pray for Him to comfort you and bring you oeace. God bless you!