Do you struggle with consoling a loved one who lost their spouse?

If so, you’re not alone. It's not easy finding the right words when trying to comfort a widow or widower, especially if you were never taught. 

After extensive research spanning 45 years, we discovered that out of 141 statements a widow or widower may hear post-loss, only 19 prove helpful. Most comments widows and widowers receive are not only unhelpful but even hurtful. 

If you’ve experienced a painful loss, you know it’s true. Isn't it baffling that our society fails to teach us how to support broken-hearted loved ones? From high school to grad school, how to offer emotional support is absent from the curriculum. Instead, we rely on well-meaning but misguided advice from friends and movies. Consequently, we unintentionally intellectualize grief instead of embracing that it’s about a broken heart. So don't fret if you're lost for words - most people don’t know what to say.

So, what painful comments do widows and widowers often hear amidst their pain?

• Don’t feel bad. You’re young and can remarry.
• Be grateful for the many years you were married.
• You weren’t married long; it would have been worse if you had been married longer.
• Time heals all wounds.
• Your husband wouldn’t want you to be sad.
• Let’s celebrate her life and not focus on your pain.
• You just need a distraction.
• Why aren’t you over it by now? It’s been X amount of time.
• Throw away all of his belongings so you don’t have any reminders.
• Be sure not to throw away any of her belongings because you might regret it.
• You just have to jump back in the saddle.
• Stay strong for your kids.
• It’s time to move forward and go on with your life.
• Everything happens for a reason.
• Just give it time.
• You will never get over the death of your husband/wife.
• Grief is your new normal.
• God needed another angel in heaven.
• At least she is no longer suffering.
• Focus on your workout routine.
• Throw yourself into work.
• You should move.
• You should never move.
• Grieving doesn’t honor his memory.
• She is at peace now.
• I know exactly how you feel.
• Heaven needed him more.

Why are these common phrases hurtful?

Losing a partner is heart-wrenching. Widows and widowers can’t simply snap out of heartache because they heard a piece of advice. No one has ever thought, “Oh yeah. They told me I shouldn't cry, so now I’m not sad anymore.” Instead, they fight back tears, thinking they shouldn't cry and that something is wrong with them.

Emotional pain is about healing a broken heart - not a broken brain. Many of these comments are logical. For example, if a husband dies after years of a painful illness, such as cancer, although it is logically valid that he is no longer in pain, and although the wife may feel a sense of relief about that, she is still going to be broken-hearted after her life partner dies. 

Remember that having a supportive person can make all the difference in their healing journey. 

Stay tuned for our next article on how to offer help to a widow or widower. In the meantime, check out some of our other captivating blogs or download

The Grief Recovery Method Guide for Loss Ebook for free. 

The Death Of A Spouse

14 Things You Should (and Should Not) Say to Widows and Widowers

Get Over It! (and other bits of unhelpful advice)