3 Things You Shouldn't Do When Grieving a Divorce

Jul 15, 2015
Allison James Henry
15 comments

Divorce isn’t easy.

When a couple breaks up almost everything familiar to them changes.

Every couple has rituals whether they have been married for 3 months or 30 years.

Say your husband used to call on his way home from work every day at 4 pm sharp. Now that you are divorced you no longer get that call. You’ll have to get used to different rituals like drinking your morning coffee alone or preparing dinner for one less person.

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the change of, or the end in, a familiar pattern of behavior.

By definition, divorce is a grieving experience.

Lost Hopes Dreams & Expectations

You probably had hopes, dream and expectations about your marriage. The most obvious is your marriage would last forever. You might have expected to raise children together, to go on a camping trip after your debt was paid off, or to always have someone by your side. Then all of a sudden those hopes and dreams are gone.

There are lost hopes, dreams and expectations even in the worst marriage.

Don’t Intellectualize Your Divorce

Divorce hurts. It doesn’t matter if you initiated it or had no idea it was coming.

Some people use the reason for their divorce as justification as to why they shouldn’t feel sad about it.

“She cheated on me.”

“He didn’t appreciate me.”

“I’m the one who left him.”

The reasons for divorce have little to do with the grief caused by the divorce. You would grieve no matter what the cause.

Don’t pretend you are okay if you aren’t.

Our society taught us that the way to deal with grief is to be strong for others. What that means is you should hide your feelings.

Being strong is being honest about your feelings. Cry if that’s normal for you. Be honest when someone asks how you’re doing.

Don’t replace the loss.

Have you heard the phrase, “there are plenty of fish in the sea”? Bet you didn’t know your spouse was a fish, so you could easily get another one!

Do you think it’s possible to replace the love you shared with someone else? It’s not. Relationships are unique, so you can never replace someone you love. It’s not like replacing a car battery or old tennis shoes. If you try to find someone new before getting complete with your divorce grief it could end up hurting you in the long run.

Divorce is the death of a relationship. It’s causes grief and could negatively impact relationships for the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself to heal your broken heart.

If you found this article helpful, you may also want to read Divorce and Grief

Comments

Connie-Jean Latam, DNM, CTC, CHT, Grief Specialist

Fri, 08/07/2015 - 11:21am

thank you. i really thank you . you are absolutely wonderful.I took your course in 2002 and I use the skills and have given courses in it...

Your method is the very best for all loss situations and for discovering other hidden truths about the true self.. Bless you.

Connie

Anonymous

Fri, 08/07/2015 - 11:24am

Thank you Connie! We are glad to hear of your success with the Grief Recovery Method!

Greg Matthews

Thu, 05/25/2017 - 11:57am

Separated,Heartbroken, and starting the divorce process.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Sat, 05/27/2017 - 11:54am

Greg - It sounds like you are dealing with a great deal of emotional pain right now. My heart goes out to you. I realize that you are just beginning the divorce process, but it is not too early to seek assistance with Grief Recovery. Taking action now to deal with that emotional pain will help you get through all of the legal matters in a better state of mind. You can do this on your own, with "The Grief Recovery Handbook," by James and Friedman, but I really think you would be better served by looking to see if there is a Grief Recovery Method Support Group meeting in your area. The grief you are experiencing can be so isolating, and a group situation will help reduce that for you. Please check out: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support. My thoughts are with you! Steve

Judi Driggers

Thu, 06/22/2017 - 5:05pm

Greg I'm divorcing too. I didn't see it coming. I feel what you are going through daily. If you want to talk reach out to me. I wish you well.

Take care, Judi

Denise Hribar

Mon, 07/17/2017 - 10:02pm

I am nearing the end of my divorce. It was horribly painful. And by using the Grief Revivery Method, I feel as though my life has been saved. I cried and cried, I stayed in bed no couldn't eat. Even though my ex had broken multiple marriage vows and did things that made him a person I couldn't live with, there were all the what if's. I grieved for all the things that would not be happening. But with the GR program, I am now feeling so much better about myself. I can smile and laugh and I can love myself again. I thank God every day for this program It was a painful experience, but I learned from it. I think that every experience is important, even if all you learn is is that is what you don't want. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and wish you all the best.

Erick Baker

Sun, 08/20/2017 - 9:53am

I feel so lost with my divorce.....i was on my own before marraige and I depended on the relationship it was all I ever wanted and I just couldn't make it work no matter what I tried.....im praying that I find myself and me and my kids i already had can find a better life down the road

Traci Middleton

Sat, 09/02/2017 - 9:21pm

I am 6 months into the separation-divorce process and cry every day and in so much pain. Today would be our 29yr wedding anniversary and I still can't understand how he could walk out and start a relationship with someone else when he has a beautiful family family with 2 young adult girls who love him. He has walked out on all responsibility and shows no remorse for the bad choices he has made. I seem to be in the anger phase but step backwards daily to the unbelief stage.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Mon, 09/11/2017 - 9:01am

Traci - When someone leaves, after so may years together, it is normal and natural to feel lost. It is even worse when they leave you "emotionally stranded" without any chance to deal with all of your unanswered questions. In a very real sense, he is controlling your happiness, while still living his new life in this new relationship. while he has moved on to his new future, you are dealing with a future that is far different than the one you had planned. The best thing that you can do is to take action for yourself to move from being the victim of his actions and deal with your emotional pain so that he no longer controls your happiness. Both of the authors of "The Grief Recovery Handbook" used the Grief Recovery Method to deal with their own divorces! You can do this as well. It will help you to say "goodbye" to all of that "unfinished business" in your relationship with your ex, so that you can look towards a future that you control. Please check toe website (www.griefrecoverymethod.com) to see if there is a Grief Recovery Specialist in your area who can help you on this journey. If not, you can purchase a copy of the book at your local bookstore or on that website to help you move through this transition. The authors do not tell you how to feel or give you reasons why you should not feel whatever you are feeling, but rather walk with you as you take the necessary actions for your recovery. It is a book that is written to your heart, rather than to your head. Over the last 35 years I have used this book and method to help others who were in similar situations and seen them reclaim their lives. Do not let him be the winner and still control the happiness of you and your daughters. Take action to move beyond his powers and control so that you can face your new future! Steve Moeller

scott keller

Thu, 11/02/2017 - 8:33am

like to respond to divorce

matt Fleischer

Mon, 12/11/2017 - 12:40pm

I am going through a divorce and could use help too. I feel like I am struggling.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Tue, 12/12/2017 - 7:40am

Matt - You are hardly alone in struggling with a divorce, but there is help available. Please check out these two additional blogs for solid action that you can take to help you though this painful loss: http://blog.griefrecoverymethod.com/divorce-grief and http://blog.griefrecoverymethod.com/divorce-and-grief

Jerry

Tue, 01/16/2018 - 6:33am

I am 3 months into my divorce from my ex-wife and mother of my three boys. I'm out of the house and into a small apartment. Child Support is ruinous - I don't mind supporting my children but I paid for everything when we were married and sunk into financial trouble then. It seems as if the pain, hurt, and struggle will never end. I've lost friends and my mother to death and it didn't hurt half as much. On top of this I still miss and love her very much - despite the fact that she's already moved on with a man 15 years younger who now spends half of his time in the house I bought and raise my kids in. I still pay the mortgage. Any words of hope and encouragement would be appreciated.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Tue, 01/16/2018 - 9:23am

Jerry - A divorce is definitely something that you can deeply grieve. Unlike a death, where you never see that person again. with a divorce the "ghost" of what was is still someone that you regularly see and talk to when you share children. I think that you could benefit in working through "The Grief Recovery Handbook." It will give you the tools to deal with the emotional pain and frustration effectively to deal with your broken heart and that enormous sense of loss that you are experiencing. If you cannot find a Grief Recovery Specialist in your area, (or cannot afford it), the book will walk you through all of the steps to take action. Unlike most books where the author simply tells their own story, this a a step by step approach in which the authors walk with you and illustrate each action with examples of how they did it. I have worked with many people in situations similar to yours and seen the difference it made for them as both a person dealing with a divorce and as a parent to their children. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. - Steve

Stephanie

Sun, 08/09/2020 - 10:43am

I am currently in the early stages of divorce. My husband left me in Feb and came back in May for one night. He had told our children he was staying and they got up the next morning and he was gone again. He had been seeing another woman he said he ended it that night but he has,never stopped seeing her. I do not want the divorce and I do forgive him but I still love him. Our kids love him but he has started a bew relationship with someone who has children the same age as ours. He stands our kids up at least once a week. I dont know if I will ever get over him and some would say I am stupid for wanting him back bc our marriage vows meant something to me but not him. I am suppose to meet him at his lawyers office tomorrow to sign everything but I am devastated and dont want a divorce. I dont know what to do.

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