Grief is one of the most off limits topics of conversation in the world. One of the few times it’s still socially acceptable to express grief is when someone dies.

Funerals and memorials, also called conclusionary rituals, give us a great opportunity to say goodbye to the physical presence of the people who have died. They can be extremely beneficial when done correctly, which is why they have been going on since the beginning of time.

Lately more and more people are having celebration of life parties instead of funeral or memorial services. It makes sense to want to celebrate the life of friends and family members who have died. But does it make sense for the emotional health of those who are still alive?

The purpose of a conclusionary ritual is to say goodbye to the unique individual relationships people have with the deceased. For celebration of life parties to have therapeutic value, they must create an accurate memory picture of the unique individual who died.  A celebration of life is usually only half the story.

There is nothing wrong with celebrating the life of someone who died, as long as it’s not an attempt to avoid sadness.

Here’s an example:

Awhile back a family member said to me, “When I die I don’t want you to be sad. I want you to celebrate my life. I want a big party and everyone to celebrate the full life I had”.

To which I replied, “You are family and I love you. I will probably be sad and there’s nothing wrong with that. Since you will be dead I think it’s fair that the people left behind figure out the way to best honor your life in a way that allows us to remember the good times as well as be sad”.

Language is important. A “celebration of life” gives the idea that you must only be happy, which hinders recovery from grief.  

We recommend having a funeral or memorial service, where normal feeling of pain and sadness can be expressed openly. Then, if you haven’t already, do your grief recovery work to get complete with your relationship to the person who died. If you still want to do a celebration of life party after that, you can do so as someone who is emotionally complete with the person who died.

Here’s a great blog to learn more about planning funerals, memorials, and other conclusionary rituals: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/2001/12/how-plan-funerals-and-other-conclusionary-rituals )