Grief is commonly associated with physical death, but what about the end of a relationship? Can't this be defined as a death of the relationship? With every romantic relationship there are:
- Hopes
- Dreams
- Expectations
- A new couple might hope to become more serious or look forward to waking up each morning to a text message from each other. - A couple who have been together longer might expect to have children, dream of vacations together, or begin to plan for retirement. - Many women start to plan their dream wedding no matter how long they’ve been dating --whether or not their boyfriends know about it is inconsequential! Couples also create habits and rituals. Habits as simple as doing the dishes together at night, speaking on the phone each night at 5:00 pm or golfing on Sundays. A common dream for an evolving relationship is that it will last forever. Then one day, for whatever reason, the relationship changes or ends.
The end of a relationship
Their hopes, dreams, and expectations are crushed. No one likes to feel bad so they do what most people are taught… pretend they are okay! In an attempt to protect themselves from future heartbreak many people say things like,
- “I’m never dating again.”
- “I don’t give a darn.”
The problem is, that saying, “I don’t give a darn,” and actually not giving a darn, are two different things! Have you said similar things following the end of a relationship? Another thing people do after a break-up is anything and everything to avoid feeling heartbreak. Have you tried some of these things?
- Dating someone else.
- Drinking.
- Having a girls or boys night out.
- Eating, especially ice cream.
- Not eating at all.
- Watching sad movies or listening to sad songs.
- Working long hours.
- Shopping.
- Working out, excessively.
- Having a make-over.
- Sleeping.
Although these activities might make you feel better short term, they don’t allow you to get complete with the end of a relationship. You might ask, “Why is it important to get complete with past relationships?” Until you become complete with past relationships it’s impossible to be fully present for current ones. For example, after one relationship ends have you noticed you go into the next one a little bit more tentatively? Maybe you guard your heart more. Right before my last boyfriend broke up with me he stopped returning my calls as frequently. When my next boyfriend didn’t return a call because he truly was working late I immediately thought he was upset with me. That kind of thinking is due to being incomplete with past relationships. Can you relate? - If your last boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you did you assume your next one was doing the same? - If you last girlfriend said you’d be together forever, then broke up with you, was it hard to believe when the next woman said anything nice to you? - Have you stopped dating altogether because it’s too difficult to trust or maybe you prefer to perpetually play the field? Those thoughts are all a result of being incomplete with past relationships. You take the hurt from a past relationship and assume your next one will be the same. So how do you get complete with past relationships to be fully present for your new or your current one? In our book Moving On: Dump Your Relationship Baggage and Make Room for the Love of Your Life, we provide the same tools used by the Grief Recovery Handbook. We show you how to get complete with your hopes, dreams, and expectations. Moving On gives clear-cut instructions to guide you to identify those things you wish you could have said or done differently and get complete with them, so they don’t limit your life.
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Comments
maria lebico
i want to start learning about this course i want to study about this so i can use to my friend as adviser when i see them feel upser and sad
Joseph Dubowski, M.S., LMFT
After leading people through the actions of the Grief Recovery Method following the breakup of a relationship, or the loss of a spouse, I have been repeatedly amazed at the results these friends and clients have experienced. They have testified that they are able to give their hearts more fully to new partners, experienced a sense of forgiveness (of themselves and others), and even seen a ripple effect in other relationships not an immediate part of the process. I recommend "Moving On" to everyone I can who has been a part of a romantic relationship breakup.
Jay Harper
I'm afraid it doesn't work for everybody.
Russell Friedman
Dear Jay,
We're not sure if you've taken the actions as outlined in "Moving On," and not received or felt any benefit from taking those actions.
If so, drop me a note an let me know what you think was missing in the actions we outline in the book.
Warm regards,
Russell and John
Jay Harper
Hi Russell; we spoke back in the fall I believe. i followed the book and read the letter to a grief recovery method certificate holder over here in the UK. It worked like a dream that day; and the next. It felt like magic to be honest, and like a weight was lifted. I was actually up for going on the course to learn how to do this method as i was awestruck at how different I felt (sad in a normal way; but not in pain).
Then it all crept back. That was in September (i broke up with this person at the end of July), now it's May and I'm still struggling to let go of this.
So tired of hanging on to something so obviously gone for someone else. Sad really.
Jay Harper
.....So really, i don't know what was missing from the process; if anything.
I was struck at your kindness and integrity when we communicated back in October Russell.
I dunno; maybe it's just me.
Russell Friedman
Hi Jay,
Of course, I’d only be guessing if I tried to define what is or isn’t happening for you—and guessing can be dangerous.
The one thing I can suggest, without risk of guessing, is that you would be well served to go back and take the actions of Grief Recovery on the other major people in your life, not just the person[s] from whom you are divorced or estranged, etc.
There’s a possibility that what’s affecting you is “other” unresolved grief that is being unearthed by the reminders that do creep back because there are so many stimulus about marriage, relationships, etc.
If you don’t have a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, go to the library or bookstore and get one. Use it to remind you how to do the Relationship Graph and Grief Recovery Method Completion Letter actions.
Hope this helps,
Best,
Russell
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