Thanks for this article. "We never compare losses", is so reassuring.

Any type of loss or change will give you some form of grief. Some grief is more intense then others. When I broke up with my partner of five years was so difficult and I felt at the time that I was going to die. I was able to power through my sadness and go back to living life normally without feeling angry or upset about it. I miss her once in a while but it's not as intense as it was when we broke up two years ago. It definitely fades after a while. But when I lost my mother to lung cancer, I was so depressed even if I tried not to show how sad I was. I was losing weight and my sadness was very noticeable. Every time I think of her, it still feels like it was yesterday that she passed away. I don't think that will ever get easier for me. I miss my mother more and more every single day. Grief comes in all different levels.

I would like to join this group.

Not entirely sure what to write here , I am quite a private person. But, I have lost a child and even though it was awhile ago, I still don't feel 'healed' - whatever that might mean.

Fiona, we are so sorry for your loss. Our advice is to find a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman, read it and take the steps outlined in the book. If you have any questions at all, please call us at 800-334-7606.

I have experienced the loss and grief around the loss of family members due to serious long term illness and the impact on wider family and dynamics associated with this. As others would have experienced loss is not just about death and I am interested in views around family members experiencing long term illness eg: accidents, stroke, brain injury and impact on wider family dynamics. I have experienced this over 25 years with 3 siblings and significant trauma related issues and impact on wider family dynamics.

I have experienced the loss and grief around the loss of family members due to serious long term illness and the impact on wider family and dynamics associated with this. As others would have experienced loss is not just about death and I am interested in views around family members experiencing long term illness eg: accidents, stroke, brain injury and impact on wider family dynamics. I have experienced this over 25 years with 3 siblings and significant trauma related issues and impact on wider family dynamics.

This is a great question - and a common one. Your comment about family dynamics is so right on... each family member grieves each loss... and in different ways and at different times and in different speeds. This makes it tough for families... because each one is dealing with their own "stuff" in their own way and really isn't thinking of how the others are grieving. And then... they begin to grieve their former relationships with each other too. If you've read the book, you know too that loss is also about loss of hopes/dreams/expectations... and when we experience the loss of a family member, somehow we "expect" or "hope" that other family members will grieve in similar ways as us... not intentionally, it's just our human nature to expect/hope this... it just happens... And then when we find that they aren't... in addition to the loss of the family member, we also now have the loss of those expectations/hopes for how our other family members would deal with it all... and - here's the important part - if we don't realize this is what's happening and find a way to identify and name and give voice to our own feelings, we tend to isolate (emotionally and/or physically, or both) from those other family members... not talking about what's happening within us and between us.... and those undelivered communications begin to pile up inside us too... and our silence and inability to "talk it out" may cause these relationships to suffer too... sometimes to the point of estrangement ... or worse.

So - what to do? I hope you've taken the GRM class or done it one/one with a trained specialist. If so - you know the tools to use - probably having worked first on the person who died or who had the long term illness. You can now do the same thing with EACH of the other members of the family... those three siblings. Do the process with each of them, one at a time. Start with the relationship graph for one of them... figure out what are the significant statements you need to deliver to them (apologies/forgives/other significant statements) and then write your letter to that sibling. Do NOT read it to the sibling... but to that trained specialist... And then do the next sibling... and the next... again, NOT reading to the sibs, but to the specialist.

You can't change your siblings, or their relationships with the initial loved one ... or with you. You CAN change YOU.... by doing this work, you may come to see them in a new perspective, which won't change them, but it may change you -giving you a bit more patience with each of them... which in the end could (will?) result in them beginning to see for themselves, that they too need to do some work on the relationships in their lives... but again only/when they see that as a need... not because you do. But again, if your heart has cleaned out its communications... and you begin to understand their responses better... you at least will be ready to resume the relationship in a new, clearer way which will certainly help your heart... and will likely help theirs too.

Lois