On Grief and Grieving: Today we’re going to address the third grief myth, Grieve Alone. We’re sometimes tempted to rank the six myths in order of which is the most harmful. And if we did compare them, we might say that the false idea that we’re supposed to Grieve Alone is the most dangerous of all. But then we remember that we never compare losses—since all losses are perceived at 100%. So by the same token, we never compare the myths that limit us in dealing with our grief. All six of them can be limiting in a variety of ways. You can read part 1, and part 2 first if you would like to start from the beginning. Over time, we have identified six major myths that are so universal, that nearly everyone can relate to having absorbed them early in life, although they can’t always explain what they mean and whether or not they are true or helpful.
The six myths are:
- Don’t Feel Bad
- Replace the Loss
- Grieve Alone
- Grief Just Takes Time
- Be Strong and Be Strong for Others
- Keep Busy
On Grief and Grieving - Grief Myth #3: Grieve Alone
We imagine you’d agree with us if we suggest that Grieving People Tend To Isolate. While that is true, and isolation is a major problem for grieving people, it’s not a natural tendency, it’s a learned behavior. Let us explain by writing a phrase and leaving out the last word. Most of you reading this will automatically put in the last word.
“Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry _____.”
We know that before you got to the last word your mind had jumped ahead and added the word “alone.” In order to explain how false that idea is, we will ask you a question. “What’s the first thing you want to do when you get good news.” Nearly everyone’s answer is, “Share it with others.” In particular, you want to tell your spouse, or your parents, or your children; in other words, someone important to you. Whether you realize it or not, your natural impulse upon receiving sad or bad news is actually the same. You want to tell someone you trust. But after a lifetime of being told “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone”; and, “If you’re going to cry, go to your room”; or, “Don’t burden others with your feelings,” you begin to lose the normal impulse to talk about sad or painful things with people you trust.
Communicating sad and painful feelings
Isolation is not natural, it is learned, and it is dangerous. It’s helpful for you to start to shift what you believe about communicating your sad and painful thoughts and feelings in the same way you do your happy or positive ones. The antidote to isolation is participation. Start by having a little chat with a few of the important people in your life. Tell them that you’d like to change some of the guidelines and make it safe to talk openly about some of the sad or painful things you feel. What you say should be simple statements or comments about things that have affected you. Keep it short, just to get it out and be heard. As the listener, make an agreement not to analyze or judge. Just listen. We’re not suggesting that you recite a litany of painful feelings over and over. If you have have recurring feelings about the same things, you may need to get some help—either in the area of grief recovery, or other professional help.
Click here to go to the next entry in this blog series: It Just Takes Time (Myth #4).
Comments
suzie
my daughter died by suicide on 9/30/11...i didn't just lose my whole family as they want to act as she never existed, i lost all of my friends as well...she did exist, she was an awesome soldier in the army..she was raped 3 times and chose to do what she did...i still feel guilty, she was my bestfriend..she told me all about her sorrow...the loss of my sons, my granddaughter is taking a toll on me...and yet, i kep finding new friends and your site that will help me...thank you!!!
Russell Friedman
Dear Suzie,
Thanks for your poignant note and the truth you tell.
The collateral tragedy of being taught to “grieve alone” is that it influences us all to isolate others by not mentioning the loss that is forefront in their hearts and minds. And it seems to us that other explanations notwithstanding, that is a part of what has happened to you.
What we love about your note is the “hope and courage” you express in your last sentence. Please get to work on the actions in “The Grief Recovery Handbook.” As you do, if you get stuck, please don’t hesitate to contact us for guidance.
From our hearts to yours,
Russell and John
Michelle Rutz
My son also died by suicide as a result of bipolar disorder in Jan. 2012 and it is a very lonely way to grieve. It is referred to as complicated grief and I am working through it daily. Thank you for your program. I intend to come to a workshop this summer and become certified.
Russell Friedman
Dear Michelle,
Thanks for your note.
If you feel yourself isolating with your grief, please send me an email. At least you will be heard and hopefully, not feel so all alone.
We’re pleased that you’re going to attend one of our trainings.
From our hearts to yours,
Russell and John
Ginger Roberson
My best friend and lover passed away a few weeks ago. I am alone in my grief and don't know how to handle it. I cannot talk to anyone as I relationship was a secret. I'm married and he came back into my life. We were childhood sweethearts. Our relationship was that of true soulmates. I need help.
Merhrin
I don't want to grieve by myself, but with the loss of my husband, and the poor behavior of his family coming out of the woodwork, then losing my business (we were partners), forcing me and my dogs to live in a hotel room (everything went to his son because he didn't have a will).
The way I was treated by the family was horrible (they even took took his body and had the funeral miles away from the church he wanted to have his services). The people I thought that would have my back through all of this...non-existent.
No calls, no check ups...nothing. And I was warned that this would happen - after everyone heard the news, it was old news - but still leaves me with a hole in my heart.
I don't trust anyone to talk to. It's as if isolation is my only alternative because I feel like a wounded animal, shivering in the corner.
renee
Its been two years since my son passed away unexpectedly and tragically. June 3 was the 3 birthday without him. Since January 2015 ive removed myself from family memebers . And have shut down life. I have other children i feel as if im only living for them now. I feel so completely alone . Everyday constantly thinking if my son in every aspect. I fear im losing touch with reality,
Anonymous
Thank you for your comments and for sharing what you're going through. If you need help, you can find a local support group at https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support-groups. Also please feel free to e-mail us at [email protected] if you need any assistance. Thank you
Auryanna Williams
I am alone through this grieving of my daughter whom I lost to stillbirth 6 months ago. I am so lost with my grief. Fearful to let go yet so sensitive at some points and so cold in others. My family and friends only can say so much. They go on with life and I begin to get angry cause the pain is there still.
Anonymous
Auryanna, we are so sorry for your loss! If you want someone to talk to about it or about your grief, please call us at 800-334-7606 or visit our support group page, where you can find Certified Grief Recovery Specialists in your area to talk to: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support-groups
Brent
I lost my girlfriend 7 mo ago.. have struggled daily, ..we were together over 10 years, she was a consumed diabetic, with dialysis in her last 3 years.. she just gave up on life because her life had became 100 x pain. I wish I could flood all the memories out , because the good times will never be again. That would be figmantascious (I just made this word up) want tp remember her like a distant dream,
Anonymous
Hi Brent, we are so sorry for your loss. When memories of a loved one turn painful, you may be experiencing unresolved grief. Our Grief Recovery Method helps you so that you are able to have fond memories, not painful ones. You can find our Grief Recovery Handbook in your local library or bookstore, and it will help you to achieve that. You can also find help with one of our Certified Grief Recovery Specialists by searching for one in your area: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support-groups. I hope that you are able to take these steps and regain happiness in your life.
Kevin
I appreciate the author's intentions in encouraging the bereaved to socialize with others and share their feelings with those closest to them.
Nevertheless, the notion that "grieving alone is a myth" is based on the assumption that the bereaved have "important people" with whom they can share their pain. We should remember that some people like myself are indeed alone and suffer in silence. Calling grieving alone a myth is inaccurate at best and a little insulting at worst. The recommendation that the solitary confer with the important people in their lives is therefore not helpful. Instead, we should give them advice that helps them slowly build friendships or endure their agony alone, whichever they choose to do.
Anonymous
Kevin, I am very sorry for your loss and also that you do not have any important people in your life to talk to about your grief. We would encourage you to reach out to one of our Grief Specialists in your area who can be there for you to talk to and work through your grief. You can search for one here: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support-groups. Good luck and I do hope that you are able to find someone to talk to.
Bethany
"A wounded animal shivering in a corner". That's how I feel. I lost my baby girl five months ago on the 23rd. I am losing this fight. I am expected to keep pushing forward and any feelings I have aside from a little stalwart sadness are considered unnecessary at best, inconvenient and irresponsible at worst. Any behaviors I have that suggest I am anything other then ready to continue living life to the full are impermissible, even to the people I most counted on in the beginning. I want to go to sleep and stay asleep. I can't find any will to live through this.
Anonymous
Bethany, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is okay and perfectly normal to grieve the loss of your baby. I would encourage you to search for one of our Grief Recovery Specialists in your area who can help you to complete the loss of your baby and help you to begin to feel better. You can search for one by following this link: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support-groups. I wish you luck and I do hope that you are able to connect with someone who can help.
Anonymous
Sometimes, there is simply no choice but to grieve alone.
K Dun
Julia Ellis
Julia Ellis
stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist
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stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist
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stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist
Hazel
My dad just died last week from liver cirrhosis. Me and my sister were there for his last breath.
I feel so alone because my other siblings are in relationships and I’m not and my dad always told her or insinuatined her preferred them to me.
I’m only mid twenties and my siblings are you gereand we were the only people there to sort out his funeral
I want to start a new leaf of my life can really make something out of myself .Im Finding it really difficult as my scars from him choosing drink over me run deep and I’m angry for having to clean up his mess once again( funeral costs household social welfare
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